Can't get a woman?
Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving "this doesn't work" and "I'm bleeding to death".
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy
if you put it in your stomach first.
Why does the lawyer hate doing pro-bono work?
Because he fucking hates U2.
I hit some kid riding a skateboard today, on the way to work.
On a lighter note, I'm selling a lightly used skateboard.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work...
Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.