Did you hear about that celebrity who committed suicide?
Reese whatsername? "Witherspoon?" "No, with a knife!" Only really works if you actually tell it to someone (and can maintain a good pokerface)
Why does it feel like time slows down during the day when you're
at work and rapidly speeds up at night when you get home?
What did the surgeon say when the doctor declined going out after work?
Suture self!
*calls into work* "yo boss i'm real sick" "you don't sound sick..." "ya,
just got a new tribal tat & heelys" "wow u do sound hella sick"
What's a dentist's favorite time of day?
Tooth-hurty.